I started learning music in 5th grade, when I was 11 years old. Two years later, I entered a music school and decided to learn the violin. The school was from 8 am to 7 or sometimes 8 pm. Two years later we would have orchestra on Saturday’s mornings. As you can imagine it was pretty intense! After three years I was about to give up. I wanted to study something else, maybe Psychology. However, many teachers asked me to please stay and continue, so I did it. I started to practice more and slowly became better, but all the time I wouldn’t feel I was good enough. My violinists friends were as good or better than me, so I really didn’t give myself that much credit.
Six years later went by and I applied for the University in Lisbon. I met amazing people and had great friendships. I was doing my job as a student – getting ”ok” to good grades – until I got the result from orchestra… I couldn’t believe or understand it. I always loved to play in orchestra and though I was better at that. I went to the conductor and asked why? He told me I was often looking insecure in the rehearsals. So here it is something I never though about. Yes, I wasn’t the most extrovert on stage while playing, but I never saw myself as being insecure in orchestra. After this talk he gave me the challenge to be second violins leader in the next project – this way he could better listen how I play and know me better. I don’t need to tell you how much I prepared myself for this project… and so it started! The project went very well and just after, I got the opportunity to be regularly the concertmaster of our academic orchestra. I definitely learnt and grow a lot with the experience. But what I didn’t expect to happen, was that I would experience the jealousy and unkindness of others, in the first person. I was really determined to be a good concertmaster, so I would spend some breaks practicing some passages from the rehearsals or asking and sharing ideas with the conductor. I was 19 years old, living far away from my family for the first time and I knew ”nothing” about people or life, plus I was very naive. Some people started to say mean things about me, just because I remained the concertmaster. Sadly, none of them would instead give credit to my efforts and passion. The reason would just be my dark and long hair, or they would ask me if I had an affair with the conductor – btw, would they say these kind of stuff if I was a guy?… I soon started to ask myself if I was deserving that chances and opportunities. If I was good enough. The pressure was on, and nowadays I believe my insecurities as a musician came essentially from that time. I wanted to be good, not by my looking or appearance, but by my capacities and commitment. But I wanted people to see it that way too. I had ups and downs. I would cry. My best friend wasn’t there at that time and I lost other friends. I felt alone, wanted to give up and change university. But something made me find the strength to continue. I remember thinking I was having a great opportunity and experience, and that teacher/conductor saw it! I forced myself to believe I deserved it, even if it was hard and painful, but it definitely made me stronger!
Anyway, time went by and almost ten years later I would find myself thinking about all these stories over and over again. They now sound a bit dramatic and I almost need to laugh when I say it loud, but they were in some way traumatic to me. A few months ago I was concertmaster again and I needed to play a very short solo. During my university time I had a very embarrassed moment with a solo, where I just screwed it from beginning to end – you wouldn’t recognise it! Even if this time everything was happening fine, I couldn’t enjoy playing it and that was blocking me. A few bars before that moment, I would feel my heart beating fast and thousand thoughts coming to my mind. My hands would be a bit shaking and I would just stress about it. This project lasted a full week and I would ask myself over and over again if I was good enough. I was playing with a young orchestra, I shouldn’t worry about, not even for a second – you would probably say. The thing is: as classical musicians, or as perfectionists (you choose), I am and we are always looking for getting/being better. You spend your life avoiding mistakes, correcting them. You listen repeatedly ”it’s wrong”, ”practice more”, etc. Plus, each of us has its own experiences and traumas. As for me, from my own experience, the concertmaster position was always a place of jealousy, of hard times, even if I loved to do it. So here I was, doubting again of myself. I started talking with some of the kids (sorry guys, I’m a bit older and you were like little brothers and sisters to me) and I was just myself: sensitive, honest and vulnerable. I told them I wasn’t happy with the solo, that I would get nervous and that I wanted to enjoy it more. And without blinking their eyes, they were there for me and each of them helped me in different ways. Compliments, hugs, comforting words, body exercises, visualisations and even practicing together…. I accepted the invitation for this project because it would put me out of my comfort zone. Let’s be honest… I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy or really dislike that all week surrounded by teenagers… Not did I just loved it, I replaced old and hard experiences for amazing ones! After that week something was clear to me: anything can be beautiful, if it’s done from the heart in a good, positive and kind environment. And perhaps just as important: we are always in time to exchange bad experiences for great ones. The classical music world isn’t always negatively competitive. Sad that I though that way for such a long time, but I’m so thankful for having the opportunity to get a new perspective, and hopefully this story can make you see your own bad experiences in a different way, or it gives you hope and strength to change some of your negative beliefs. That bunch of people have a special place in my heart and I’m forever thankful.
So what about you? Have you experienced something similar? Do you feel insecure as a musician and do you know where it comes from? Feel free to comment below. You can also send an email or text on Instagram. Let’s connect!
Now you definitely know me a bit better and know you aren’t alone! Thank you for reading and see you in a future post.
Tight hug,
Ravi
